Tuesday, August 14, 2012

If we see each other again...

I know it's been months since my last post and I was looking for a good way to get back to blogging...
I was hoping for a better topic to write about,
But I have absolutely no idea where I can place my thoughts on this one, so here it goes:

This is me while writing this.

Kapag nagkita ba tayo, magsosorry ka ba talaga?
Kapag nagsorry ka, gagaan na ba ang loob ko?
Kapag nagsorry ka, matutuwid ba lahat ng pagkakamaling ginawa ko dahil sayo?
Kapag nagsorry ka, mababawi ko ba ang isang taong paghabol sayo?
Kapag nagsorry ka, mawawala ba ang lungkot na dinulot mo sa akin sa limang taong pag-iisa ko?
Kapag nagsorry ka, maaayos ko ba lahat ng relasyong nasira ko dahil sa alaala ng ginawa mo?
Kapag nagsorry ka, babalik na ba ang tiwala ko sa mga lalaking nakilala ko pagkatapos mo?
Kapag nagsorry ka, tatama na ba ako sa lalaking mamahalin ko?
Kapag nagsorry ka, mamahalin ko na ba ulit ang sarili ko?

At bakit ngayon mo lang naisipang makipagkita?
Ngayon ka lang ba nakonsensiya?
Kailangan ba talaga nating magkita?
At kung magkikita ba tayo, magsosorry ka ba talaga?

If we see each other again, will you really say sorry?
If you'll say sorry, will I feel better?
If you'll say sorry, will it right all the mistakes I made because of you?
If you'll say sorry, will I get back that year of running after you?
If you'll say sorry, will the sadness that I have felt for the last five years disappear?
If you'll say sorry, will it fix all the relationships I messed up after meeting you?
If you'll say sorry, will it make me trust the men I have met after you?
If you'll say sorry, will I finally love the right man?
If you'll say sorry, will I finally love myself again?

And why did you think if seeing me again just NOW?
Did you suddenly feel guilty?
Do we really have to see each other?
And if we will see each other again, will you really say sorry?

After five years... my first real boyfriend decided he wanted to meet me...
To say sorry.
For cheating on me.
With a 15 year old girl.
Who is the classmate of his sister.
And for breaking up with me.
Through text.
And physically hurting me for begging him to come back.

I never thought that you would still have this effect on me.
I thought I have resolved all my issues with you.
I sincerely wish you well..
And hope I never encounter you again in this life.. or the next.
But you asked to meet.
And I actually said yes.

But now you're being a douche for not complying with my request.
I suddenly realized how much I hate you.. for fooling me in the first place.
Who the f*ck are you to play with someone's feelings???
I remember what you told me when you broke up with me...
And made me feel like I was not worthy of real love.

You know what? Fuck off Rhon.
I don't need your sorry.
You need my forgiveness.

And guess what?
I'm broke but I still have more money than you.


Yikes. This is not what I imagined to be my next post to be.
This already sounds stupid to me but I'm not taking it down.
I have to be reminded of my stupid actions so I will never do it again.

Have you done anything so intense that it haunts you even until now?
Put your response in the comment section below or tweet me at @maccerpacker :)

I can't wait to write more and give you a more entertaining view of life...
I gots plenty of baon and y'all are gonna love it!

Your ilusyonada,

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Presenting... Warren


I wise man once said to me that sometimes, the most absurd things are true.
I think he was talking about my blog.

Yes, everything that happened and everyone who were included in the past five posts are real.
I only changed the names to protect their identities and to protect myself from them.

People have been asking me who Warren is,
And I think it's only fair I show you who he is.

I've always planned to reveal him to you.
However, I didn't think nor hope this was how our story would pan out...
Oddly enough, I'm not mad at him at all.
Frankly, I still want to be friends with him... because I know he is a good man.
A good catch.
I was more sad because I know that I would've had a great relationship with him.
He is one of the very few guys that I can safely say are good.

So if you search him or see him on Facebook, I hope you do as I do...
Nothing. :)

And now I present to you... Warren.
This is his profile pic on Facbook.

Warren is actually Arren... Short for Arrenlou.

Yeah that's his face.
I don't really know what else to put in this post.

I really like you.
As a matter of fact, even after all the crap that happened to me because of you,
I still like you.
But fate is not on my side.. It is on yours.
I am happy for you.. I mean it.
Part of me wishes I never met you at all...
But then I would never experienced that emotional roller coaster that has made me realize that I have a chance to be with a nice guy.
You most likely won't be able to read this...
But I just want you to know that I wanted "him" to be you.
But I know that it can't happen.. at least for now.
And I'm fine with that.
I'm just happy that I met you.

"What's harder than losing the one you love? Staying friends with him."

It's his birthday tomorrow... April 3.
What should I do?
Should I call him? Text him?
Should I wake up from this illusion and leave him alone?
We'll see what happens.

Thank you all for reading my blog!
Frankly I'm getting tired with all this "love" stuff (how much rejection can I take???)
So I hope to be posting stuff about work and losing weight soon.

Any comments, suggestions, violent reactions?
Tweet me at @maccerpacker or post them on the comments below!
I'd take any and all suggestions about life! :)

Stay tuned!

Your ilusyonada,

If My Life Was a Movie PART 5!

For part one, click here!
For part two, click here!
For part three, click here!
For part four, click here!

Afer that horrible meeting with Jhon,
I missed Warren a whole lot more.
That night I felt so frustrated with everything that was happening to me
that I almost called Warren.
I didn't even know what I would I say if I called him.
Maybe I was still wishing for my movie to have a happy ending...
Or maybe I was waiting for a fairy tale to come true.
Everything seemed so wrong,
I thought that the fates were laughing at me because of the choices I made.
I fell asleep with a dreadful feeling sinking deeper and deeper inside me.

The next morning,
I woke up with a text from Jhon.
Let me just say, I find it downright disturbing when a 30 year old man still texts with incomplete words and exchanges Z for S.

When I went to work (yes I found a job, but we'll save that for a later blog)
I had to put in so much effort into looking normal,
Because that Wednesday I just wanted to stay in my room, listen to Adele and cry my eyes out until all the self pity goes away.
I was the first one in the office,
And that gave me time to ask my cousin Karen what to do.

After much thought and needed approval from Karen,
I was determined to call Warren... For closure.
I needed to know what happened,
I needed to know what went wrong.
I needed to know so I can stop wondering and get back to having a life.

I immediately bought load so I could call him
And when I did...
there was no signal.

I texted Karen, and she told me to try again.

The rest of the day was rather busy for me
and I was wondering where I could fit in some time to get this emotional hurdle out of my life.
Every hour I would call him, but there was still no signal on his end.

Lunch time came and I needed to attend a couple of seminars in Makati.

When I got there, I saw a really handsome guy who was gonna take the seminar as well.
I sat in front of him, while another unsettling feeling appeared in my stomach.
His girlfriend (I assume) came in the room as welll and they started talking.
I wanted to throw myelf off the window,
If only it wasn't just the third floor and I knew I would survive the crash.
At this point I was just a complete mess.

Around 1:30pm, I mindlessly called Warren and the phone started ringing!
I was immediately on alert,
But then he didn't answer the call.
I called him again.
This time it was busy.
I intented to whisper "FUCK!"
But I think it came out as a defeated shout
Because I felt the couple behind me fell silent.
Believing that third time's the charm, I called him again.
This time he answered.
I felt a ray of sunlight touch my hopeless entity and gave me hope.
It was very noisy on his end...
"Crise, nasa tricycle ako eh, hindi kita maintindihan.. Tawag ka nalang mamaya." (Crise I'm on a tricycle, I can't understand what you're saying.. Call me later.)
I said okay, and goodbye.

I was shaking after that phone call.
I texted Karen what happened, and she told me to call him later.
(If you haven't noticed by now, I haven't trusted my decisions since this whole thing started so now I need approval before I actually do something. :\)
I texed him to just text me when I could call him.
And he replied. "Cge Crise..." (Okay crise...)
Those two words turned that ray of sunshine to an oasis in my desert of despair (pardon the horrible figures of speech.. I'm still out of wits as I write this)

The seminar began and I was all eyes and ears.
My brain was committed as well,
But my heart was somewhere in Negros (his province), looking for him... waiting for him.
As I was listening intently to the seminar,
I felt my phone vibrate and there was Warren's name.. calling me.
I almost jumped off my seat to get out of the room and answer his call.
I even left my bag in the seminar room.

He called me to call him and I did.

That call was one that I will surely never forget.
Warren: kamusta ka naman? may problema ka ba? (How are you? Is something wrong?)
Me: Hindi ko alam... Ikaw may problema ba? (I don't know... Is there something wrong?)
Warren: Wala naman... o kamusta ka na? (None that I know of... How are you?)
Me: Hindi ko rin alam eh... Ikaw kamusta ka na? (I don't know.. How are you?)
Warren: Ahm... Eto, okay naman ako...
Masaya naman ako dito sa amin... (Well, I'm okay here.. Happy at home...)
(deadly awkward silence)
Me: Tapos? (I was suddenly shaking, as if my body was getting me ready to face a great disaster) (And?)
Warren: (almost in a whisper) Nagka girlfriend ako dito... (I just got a girlfriend here...)

Me: Ano? (pretending I didn't hear what he said though tears were falling uncontrollably down my face)
Warren: Nagka girlfriend na ako dito... (I just got a girlfriend here..)
Me: (stuttering, trying to say something)

Warren: Best friend ko siya dito, matagal na kaming magkakilala pero kailan lang naging official..(She's my bestfriend here, we've been very close ever since, but we just became official...)
Me: ah.. okay.. uhm... sige... (At this point I was at the hallway, crying silently but uncontrollably)
Warren: Ah sige bye bye na ha, may gagawin pa ako eh... (Ah okay I have to go now, I still have to do something...)

Me: (OH HELL NO!!! YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME JUST LIKE THAT!!!) Sandali wait. Huwag namang ganun... Sandali lang! Uhm, nakakasama ka ng loob eh... (still crying silently) (Wait. Don't be like that. Wait! Uhm, you hurt me real bad.)
Warren: Huh? Eh para ka namang bata niyan! (Yeah he was almost shouting, like scolding a little kid for breaking a vase) (Huh? Stop acting like a kid!)

Me: (WTF???) Eh bakit naman? Eto nararamdaman ko, hindi mo ako masisisi na ganito ang nararamdaman ko... Pagkatapos ng lahat, biglang hindi ka nagparamdam tapos kinailangan ko pang tawagan ka bago ko nalaman na may girlfriend ka??? (I wasn't shouting, because I my knees were trembling and I thought I was gonna faint) (And why is that? This is what I'm feeling, and you can't blame me for feeling this... After all that happened, you grow silent then I even had to call you before you tell me that you have a girlfriend???)

Warren: Eh magkaibigan parin naman tayo, magkikita parin naman tayo pag nasa Manila ako... (with the Bisaya accent, I couldn't tell if he was rushing to comfort me or in defense of his actions) (But we're still friends... I;m still gonna see you when I come to Manila...)
Me: (I was already dizzy at this point) Hindi naman yun ang pinupunto ko eh... Uhm... I'm happy nga for you eh (LIAR!!!)... (That's not my point.. I'm happy for you even...)

Warren: (With a much more soothing voice) Oh sige sige... Eh kamusta ka naman? Ano ginagawa mo? Asan ka? (Okay, fine... How are you? What are you doing? Where are you?)
Me: Uhm.. Nasa seminar, andito ako sa Makati... (Uhm... I'm at a seminar here in Makati)
Warren: Tapos na ba? (Is it finished?)
Me: Hindi pa eh... (Not yet...)
Warren: (He said in the voice that I heard him with the first time we met) Ah, okay... Sige Crise, may gagawin pa ako eh... Ingat ka ha... (Okay... Crise, I have to go now, okay? Take care...)
Me: Ah sige, ingat ka din... (Ah okay, take care..)
Warren: Sige ha... Bbye... Ingat.. (Okay... Bye... Take care...)
I ended the call before he heard my whimper of defeat.

I rushed to the bathroom which was luckily just a few steps away.
I looked at myself in the mirror, and I could almost see nothing.
I had no idea where I was,
who I was...

I only knew how sad I felt.

I went back to the seminar, and listened until the end.
I was shaking the whole time, but I had to finish it.. I had to attend another one after that.

We had a break in between the seminars so I tried to call everyone who would care.
And since Lady luck is my worst enemy,
Nobody could answer my call (meeting, shoot, another meeting, asleep)
I was suffering on all levels of wrong.
Good thing Karen's brother, Ton texted me after he missed my call.
I called him and out came the tears and the frustrations.
I felt so alone, defeated...
Talking to him gave me some form of release.
While talking to him,
I admitted to also feel a sense of relief...
At least it wasn't me.
At least I didn't do anything wrong.

At one point, I even told Ton that I won't take the bus anymore.
Or any public transportation for that matter.
This whole episode of my life motivated me to buy a car,
Just so I wouldn't have to experience that roller coaster of an emotional ride.

Good thing Karen was also in Makati that night,
And I had dinner with her and some of her friends.
surprisingly, after the crying and the self-pity,
I felt better.
For once, there was a good guy that I fell for.
I was reassured that these kind of men still exist, and they can like someone like me.
Though I am still sad because our short lived romance will never be,
I am relieved to know that I am not that hopeless after all.
If Warren liked me for who I am,
Then someone's bound to like me the way he did...
Hopefuly even more. :)

My good friend Jed said it best:

"Take it as a learning experience... Hindi ka naman magagalit. You also have to consider his side syempre. Hindi ka naman nya niloko, may be really liked you. Fate at this point is on their side. It's not your fault or his. Just thank the opportunity, that someone after a long time, liked you even if you didn't do any favors for him. He simply liked you, and respected you."
(Take it as a learning experience... You shouldn't get mad at him. You also have to consider his side. He didn't cheat on you, and maybe he really liked you. Fate at this point is on their side. It's not your fault or his. Just thank the opportunity, that someone after a long time, liked you even if you didn't do any favors for him. He simply liked you, and respected you.)

Will this be the last part of my movie?
Or should I wait for him to come back to Manila?
Should I greet him on his birthday?
Should we even meet again?
Should I give up?
Or should I just keep chasing pavements... even if it leads no where?

I really don't know,
and I wish you help me with this one.
Tweet me @maccerpacker your suggestions or comment after the post!

Thank you so much to everyone who have been and still are part of my blog. :)
If you haven't noticed by now, all that I wrote are true...
And while those things have been happening to me,
I also had to balance getting a job, my studies and plenty other things.
I just wanted to get this out of the way, because it was eating up my life.

Now that I found some form of closure and peace,
It's back (hopefully) to more blogs and more updates.

I love you all! And if you don't.. it's okay. I still love you. :)

Your ilusyonada,

Do you wanna know who Warren really is? tweet me or comment on the blog or my Facebook, then I'll show him in my next post. :)

It's his birthday on April 3. what should I do, if I do anything at all? PLEASE HELP!!!!

Saturday, March 31, 2012

If My Life Was a Movie PART 4!

For part one, click here!
For part two, click here!
For part three, click here!

At this point,
My movie was turning from a romantic comedy into a sad reality.

Warren hasn't texted for days,
And this caused me to be torn between texting him or not.
If I text him, I'd look needy.
If I don't he might forget me.

So I texted him about his birthday that Thursday.
I asked him whether it was April 2 or 3 (though I already knew it was 3)
I knew I would get a reply with that kind of text,
and thankfully I did.
There was some idle chitchat afterwards, then he stopped replying again.
The rest of the day until Friday was another quiet episode.
No texts.
Not even a single one.

Saturday morning after my morning jog,
I decided to check my Facebook before going to Spanish class.

I randomly checked Warren's profile.

He changed his profile picture.



He added new friends.

But he didn't accept my friend request.

I was in genuine shock and confusion for a solid minute.
Then the tears started falling.
And it didn't help that I had Adele blasting through my speakers.
What the hell just happened???
What went wrong?

I seriously could not comprehend what went wrong for him to do that.
I know it may sound petty.. But that's the point!
For something as petty as Facebook, why would he NOT accept my request?
We both stated clearly that a relationship is out of the question while he was still in the province...
But that doesn't mean we can't even be Facebook friends?

I texted him.
"Hi... Kamusta ka na? Hindi ka nagpaparamdam ah..."
"Hi.. How are you? You've been quiet lately..."
And unsurprisingly, there was no reply.

I seriously did not know how I could handle the rest of the day.
The moment I tried to move, I cried again.
Let's just say it took me a long time before I got to my Spanish class in Manila.

After Spanish class, we had to stay in Kalaw because the rain flooded our street.
I called him but no one answered.
This was when I called my cousin Karen and told her all about it.
Karen took care of me while I was growing up,
Hence the very close relationship that we have.
I asked to come by her condo before I went home so that I can cry my heart out.
After calling her, I tried calling Warren again.
This time, his cousin answered, and he said that Warren forgot his phone.
Why did I not believe that?
I ended the call and smiled, just so my classmates won't know what I've been going through.

Around 5pm, I got on a bus with a heavy heart.
I sat on my seat, and as I reached for to direct the aircon towards me,
I realized it was the same aircon I touched the first time Warren and I met.

I felt a sudden rush of panic and fear as I looked at the curtains, the seats, and even the broken pouch at the back of the seat in front of me.
I was sitting where Warren sat when we first met.

I rushed to change seats on the second row, even if my legs would hurt from the elevated flooring.
I texted Karen about everything that was happening that I didn't notice a guy who sat beside me.
Since I was crying, he asked me if I was okay, or if I needed someone to talk to.
I looked at him and saw a really cute face with concerned eyes!
If I wasn't in such a mess, I would've been really happy,
But then I remembered how I got into this situation,
And l just cried even harder, thanked him dor the concern and just looked out the window so I wouldn't have to deal with him.

The traffic was crazy and I was getting a huge migraine.
This is not the closure I wanted.
At Commonwealth Market, our bus got hit by another bus- right on the spot where we sat.
Fine I get it!
Talk about drama. :(

I took a cab to Karen's and cried the whole night,
Until she told me I had to go home our my dad will kill us.

I was pretty much a mess the rest of the weekend.
No texts. No calls. Nothing.

Monday morning, I decided to share my experience at my Toastmaster's meeting.
I figured it would be my way of releasing my frustrations,
And I needed a topic entertaining enough!
At the meeting, people were entertained and intrigued by my speech
Because I it felt neither real or make-believe.

I went home late and while walking in our subdivision,
A guy was going in the same direction.

I didn't really mind him because I was too tired, and if he was a mugger,
he'd be really disappointed because I only had my keys and left-over paella with me.
After a while, he spoke.
Guy: "Gabi na ah" (It's already late)
Me: "Okay lang"
Guy: "Mag ingat ka, yung kapitbahay namin, nanakawan sa harap ng bahay nila." (You should watch out, our neighbor got mugged right outside their house.)
Me: "Okay."
Guy: "Jhon nga pala." (I'm Jhon by the way.)
Me: 'Macrise.
Guy: "Number mo?" (What's your number?)
I laughed.

I laughed so hard it would've been deemed inappropriate for the situation.
There I was, sulking about because of Warren,
And this guy comes in with that line.

He was obnoxious, cocky...
And if ever I had a type,
He wouldn't be it.

But then again, I'm not a beauty queen either.
So I said what the hell, I gave him my number.
Before he left, he asked me out.
I laughed again.

That night, he texted me, and this was what I concluded:

His texts were immature for a pretty old guy (judging from his look).
He uses Zs instead of Ss.
He uses more smileys than me.
He doesn't text in complete words.
This was alredy a deal breaker for me,
But I was being nice, so I relented to meeting him the next day.

Tuesday evening, we met at a nearby mall.
We "went out" for ice cream. (Yeah. No dinner.)
Now I can safely say that I do not like his attitude... His personality.
He was cocky, perverted but he disguised it as being "open-minded"
If I wanted that kind of relationship, I have enough friends to fill that gap for me...
He was definitely immature for a 30 year old man.

Through out the night and even on the way home,
kept reprimanding me about my personality.
He said I should be more open (he asked me if I was still a virgin! dafuq???)
And that I should control my temper (for getting mad at a jeepney driver for being an asshole???)
Dude, we just met and you're already trying to change me.
I don't even like you.
I was ready to leave him alone but I had the decency to say goodbye as I walked down my street.

I had dinner at home (because we just ate ice cream)
And when I went to my room, I saw two messages from him.
Oh boy did I hate this guy.

He just made me miss Warren even more. :\


What do you think of it so far?
Thank you for reading my blog, and I read all of your tweets regarding my posts and everything else in between!
Do you have any comments, suggestions, or violent reactions?
Tweet me at @maccerpacker or post them on the comments below!
Tonight I shall give you part 5!

Stay tuned!

Your ilusyonada,

Happy birthday to Facebook friends!

Greet them please? :)

Friday, March 30, 2012

Is My Life was a Movie PART 3!

For part one, click here.
For part two, click here.

That night, I felt all kinds of emotions.
My inner ilusyonada was conniving with my outer ilusyonada,
Preparing a setting of hyper reality that will soon be my world.

I slept with a smile on my face and joy in my heart.

The next morning,
I woke up all excited, probably because I was still hungover from the fairytale that was last night.

Warren and I talked on the phone while he was at the airport.
The longer I talked to him, the more I liked him.
If I had the power, I wouldn't have let him leave,
Simply for fear of never finding him again.

I told him I'll miss him,
And what he said was amazingly philosophical:
"Isipin mo nalang hindi tayo nagkakilala, para hindi ka na malungkot pag wala ako. At least hindi ka mag expect sakin, at hindi ako mag expect sayo."
(Just imagine that you never met me, so that you won't be sad because I am gone. At least you won't expect from me and I won't expect from you.)
If this came from somebody else, I would've given them hell...
But what he said and how he said it was true.. and that made me like him even more.

We would text at times,
And during the first two nights after he left I called him.
I realized it might be too much for him,
So I stopped the calling...

When I go to school or to Manila,
I would always have this giddy feeling when I pass by Philcoa and QC Circle.
Being an ilusyonada all my life is finally paying off!

Of course, no movie is complete without a little bit of drama.
Mine came when Warren wouldn't reply to my texts.
At first I didn't mind,
But after 2-3 days, I was beginning to think something was wrong.
I'm insecure, paranoid and melodramatic... So I was already thinking the worst.

I asked Nicole to ring his phone.
His phone rang.


And he texted Nicole.
"Who is this?"

Now that pissed me off.
How can Warren not reply to any of my texts but he can text Nicole after one ring???

This happened a number of times during the day.
That night, while having dinner with Nicole and her boyfriend
It was decided that he needed to be confronted.
Nicole called him, and this time she waited for him to answer.
Nicole asked him why he wasn't texting "her" (meaning me)
And of course he couldn't understand what she was talking about.
She told Warren to wait for "her" text and she used my phone.
When he saw it, he ended the call.


I texted him, saying I was disappointed with what he did.
When I didn't get a response,
I called him.
He answered and we talked.
Apparently he didn't want people he didn't know to get his number
So that's why he texted immediately (fine)
Also, he didn't to get too attached to the "idea" of us when he is so far away,
Which would lead to more fights.. blah blah

I asked him if he still wanted the communication,
and he said yes.
That was good enough for me...

Call me whatever you want but I would bargain anything
Just so I can keep Warren.
I know he's a fine man,
A good catch...
And definitely my ideal boyfriend.

Before I went to bed, we talked again.
This time, we were both secured with who we are in each other's lives... I think.
At least on my end, the paranoid melodramatic ilusyonada was satisfied and subdued with that dramatic episode.

All is well again.. :)

Happy Friday friends!

Congratulations to all the graduates, especially SAN BEDA CAS BATCH 2012! :)

What do you think about the "movie" so far?
Tweet me @maccerpacker or type in the comments below!

Stay tuned for part 4!
(Which hopefully I can post tomorrow)

I love you all and thanks a bunch!

Stay tuned!

Your Ilusyonada,